Independent Women: Is It Us?
By Acamea Deadwiler
 I was recently seeing a guy whom I had made plans to meet for our third date. I decided to catch the train 30 minutes away to Chicago in order to avoid the notorious traffic. In discussing our “plan” we spoke of the time I would need him to have me back at the train station in order to return home, when he said, “That’s if you go back home tonight.” I replied jokingly, but dead serious, “Oh, I’m coming back home tonight.” His response was a snide, “You independent women.”
Now, I am a well-educated 31-year-old with no kids, a successful career, a very nice place of dwelling, and a luxury vehicle. I am, by all accounts, every bit of an independent woman. But the way he said it… He just made it sound so dirty, so stigmatized. He said “independent women” as if there were something wrong with it. As if, it was something to be ashamed of. That was the first time I’d heard being an independent woman spoken of in such a condescending manner, and it really made me think. It made me wonder if being independent has become an undesirable characteristic in the eyes of men.
I wondered because here I am, with the aforementioned characteristics in addition to being attractive (if I may say so), and I have not been in a relationship in roughly 10 years. I pride myself on being a good, honest and loyal person, not only to my mate but in general, and I have yet to attract love. While, on the other hand, there are women I know who have lied to, cheated on and disregarded the men in their lives but have those same men still falling all over them, dying to be loved. Is it me? Independent ladies, is it us?
Are we too difficult? Sometimes I think that guys go for those types of women because they are easy; something I’ll be the first to admit that I am not. If a man is interested in me, I expect him to put in work showing me so. And if I am interested in him, he will get the same. It is a very rare occasion that you can simply flash me a smile, whisper sweet nothings in my ear and end up in my bedroom. You definitely won’t end up being my “man” based on these things. I don’t expect anyone to jump through hoops, just put in some effort. In my opinion, saying that a woman is “too difficult” is like saying that her standards are too high. It’s borderline disrespectful, because there is no such thing as long as you yourself are living up to them.
Are we intimidating? Women currently represent 57% of undergraduate college students (ibtimes.com). With men seemingly falling behind women when it comes to higher learning, and subsequently, well-paying jobs; I guess it is possible that some may start to feel as though they don’t measure up. Perhaps it is better for the male ego to be with a woman to whom he feels superior in some way. I also believe that sometimes being strong as a woman can be incorrectly and unjustly confused with being “cold” or bitter. Little do most men know, even though we can hold our own, we would relish the opportunity to be vulnerable and taken care of at times. We are usually strong because we have to be.
Are we boring? You don’t get to be a true independent woman without being responsible and disciplined. I am spontaneous, but not reckless. For the most part, I walk a straight line. I also try to be proactive instead of reactive. This means that I’m not going to do certain things, such as allow my unlicensed boyfriend to drive my car, because of what could happen. Rather than deal with a bad situation, I prefer to simply prevent it when possible. I have good credit, which means that I generally pay my bills on time. And I love being able to get whatever I want, whenever I want it. So, I’m also not going to go out and splurge on some outfits for you, or myself for that matter, if it means that I won’t have the money for my bills at the end of the month. Perhaps, this attitude is perceived by men as us not caring about them. Maybe this is considered dull and unexciting by some. While I simply consider it being mature.
Certainly, a great deal of the issues we face may have to do with the quality of the men we choose to involve ourselves with. However, it is also true that on occasion, when we do come across a “good one”, they go after someone else for whatever reason. Perhaps the reason is all of the above, or none of the above. Who knows? All that I do know is that we autonomous, single ladies seem to have the hardest time finding love…..Even though we want it just as much as the next woman.
There is nothing wrong with stopping to ask ourselves, “Is it me?” Only a weak individual cannot examine themselves. This lonely road, or shall I say this road that we travel alone, takes its toll on you. And as I come home to my empty house, sit at my computer, and ponder whether or not it is in fact “me”; I take a sip of wine, stare out of the window, and remind myself that I am fabulous; that we are fabulous. I remind myself that I am the person I hope to find, and therefore, am worthy of all that I seek.
Acamea Deadwiler Bio:
Acamea Deadwiler is a freelance writer, and also a columnist with Examiner.com. Currently residing in Indiana, Acamea is a grad student at Valparaiso University and employed in accounting at Fortune 500 Company, United States Steel. Her twitter account is @acameald.
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December 15th, 2011 @ 12:06 pm
I love it
December 26th, 2011 @ 7:31 pm
Acamea,
Thank you for showing us what it is like to be a proud independent woman.
December 28th, 2011 @ 1:02 pm
Thank you Anonymous. That means a great deal to me.
December 11th, 2012 @ 2:08 pm
Acamea- Don’t let the few out weigh the mindset of the honest, hardworking men are out there. If a guy is afraid of your independence as a woman, if he speaks down to your strength, it’s not you the independent women with the problems, it’s his insecurities as a man that’s coming to forefront. Avoid this type of man like the plague. Your mate is out there but don’t ever settle because you feel time is running out. As my moms use to say to me as a child “you can’t put a price on piece of mind”.
jb
December 16th, 2012 @ 11:22 pm
Thank you James. 🙂