When I was very young, my mother’s hands were as white as porcelain, as smooth as silk, with each long slender finger tipped with fire engine red. I loved their beauty and inherent strength, their ability to dwarf my own, and the fine cursive handwriting and pencil sketches they could do.
They looked nothing like my own hands. Mine were tiny and insignificant, always dirty from playing in the garden and scratched from climbing trees. I wanted mine to be more like hers. I wanted to be more like her. I admired her for her courage, her beauty, and most of all for her strength. I thought she could handle anything.
Except when she couldn’t. There comes a time in everyone’s life when you realise your parents are fallible, that they’re human, that they’re not indestructible. It stands out in your memory like a beacon. A point where you realise, however distantly, your parents’ mortality. And your own.
For me, it was when my mother stopped getting out of bed. I was around eight years old, and she was forty-seven. Some days were better than others, but many days were the same. She was sad a lot, and in pain. Her joints became swollen and it became difficult for her to walk. She cried in the bathroom, using the faucet to muffle the sound of her sobs, and painted on a smile on her face whenever I was around.
Her hands transformed from the strong and beautiful hands I knew so well into aliens. Her knuckles swelled up and her fingers curled inwards, as if trying to escape from themselves. She stopped painting her nails. She stopped sketching.
Her hands were still beautiful, but in a fragile way, like ancient paper or antique china. I was afraid to touch them, afraid of hurting her.
She answered my incessant questions as well as she could. It was something called rheumatoid arthritis, and no, it didn’t hurt, and yes, she was fine.
As young as I was, I knew better.
Over the years drugs slowed the progression of the disease, although they came with terrible side effects. They suppressed her immune system, so she caught every cold and flu going around. She put on weight. She was tired, and sick, and never had an appetite.
To me, her hands were no longer beautiful. Fluid pooled in the joints, and each knuckle bone was white and swollen. Her bones were twisted and gnarled like an ancient oak trunk, covered with skin spots from the drugs, angular and frightening and somehow alien and separate from who she was.
I was still afraid to touch them, but if I were honest with myself I would have admitted that it wasn’t because I was afraid of hurting her, but of hurting myself. I wanted to separate myself from these things that were weak and frightening.
I knew my mother was strong and beautiful despite her hands, but I still couldn’t bring myself to hold them.
I was still young, twenty-two, when I was diagnosed. I left it for as long as I could before going to the doctor. Convincing myself the swelling and the aching was from working too much, or the cold, or the onset of the flu, I told myself it was nothing.
I knew better.
It started in my right knee. Soon enough it spread to the other one, a searing, hot, jarring pain unlike anything I’d ever felt before. I was very tired, and never hungry, and by the time it reached my hands, I could barely walk.
Eventually, I told my mother. I told her I was fine, and that it didn’t hurt. I think I wanted to appear strong. I didn’t want her to worry.
She was quiet for a long time. Her eyes did all the talking, filling the space between us. Eventually, she asked me if I was really okay.
I meant to say I was, but the words couldn’t come out. Instead I told her that it hurt. That I was scared I would never be able to run again, or dance, and would one day no longer be able to write. Writing was, and is, my world. The thought of losing the use of my hands terrified me.
“It hurts, mom,” I said again, quietly.
“It sure does,” she replied. She looked at me with her hazel green eyes, so calm, and took one of my hands in hers. I didn’t pull away.
In that moment I realized my mom wasn’t strong and beautiful despite her illness, but because of it.
And so was I.
My mother’s hands look nothing like my own. Today, hers are blue veined and wrinkled and asymmetrical. Mine are white porcelain, smooth alabaster silk, nails red-tipped.
The months following my diagnosis were filled with doctor’s appointments, x-rays, powerful pills, prayer, acupuncture and physiotherapy. After six months I went into remission after adopting a vegan diet, and remained in remission for the past five years. I think the diet helps. The prayer can’t hurt, either.
Rarely a day goes by I don’t look at my hands and remember all the things, that for a short time, they couldn’t do. Holding a mug. Using a pen. Dialling someone’s number. Opening a car door. Using a can opener.
At twenty-six, I still climb trees. I dance. I run. I draw, badly. I write, all the time.
I know there may come a time I’ll no longer be able to do any of these things. Of course it makes me sad, and a little mad, and more than a little scared. Yet it also makes me thankful. It makes me appreciate what I can do today.
My mom has had rheumatoid arthritis for almost twenty years. She’s sixty-five now, and she has good days and bad days. She still rarely tells me when she’s struggling, although I can always tell.
She’s still the most beautiful person I’ve ever met.
Recently, she had the finger joints replaced with silicon plastic implants. Her hands no longer cause her pain, and she likes the idea of being part mechanical, something strong and indestructible.
“I’m a bionic woman,” she joked.
I looked at her and smiled. I held her hand.
“Yes. You are.”
Emily Rose Bio:
Emily Rose is an Australian/Canadian freelance writer and editor living in Vancouver, BC.
Passionate about raising mental health awareness, she has a postgraduate degree in Psychology and has worked as a counsellor and facilitated therapeutic creative writing workshops for individuals with mental illness. Her work has appeared in a number of online and print publications including The Vancouver Observer, The Granville Island website and the anthology Emerge. She is currently writing a narrative non-fiction book about mental illness in North America, called South of Sane: Navigating Madness across North America (www.crazy tales.org). Her fiction, articles and other writings can be found at www.writtenbyrose.com.
Back to Stories
Mike
My wife is an alcoholic she drinks liquor from the time she gets up until the the liquor store closes.im at the crossroa...
April
I have been married to my alcoholic husband for 11 years but we have been together for the last 19 years. We met at a ve...
Tina
I have been married for 22 years. Both my husband and I were casual drinkers. As the years went by we began drinking m...
Amy Weisenburger
What a beautiful message!! My fur-babies, soulmates gave my life tremendous purpose and meaning. Their paw print...
Frank Sterle Jr.
Whenever I observe stress in the facial expression of my mother, a typical senior, I also observe how that stress drains...
Kim
This was an excellent blog. I have been with my alcoholic husband for 15 years. I felt like I was losing my mind with th...
Alice
Helping someone with this issue is hard. And even more if you love him. I know that very well. We struggled with it for ...
Union Alarm
The best way is to leave such a person as it is not worth making your life miserable with such a person. I know this as ...
Nancy Flora
I think what you mean is a non-drinking member of an alcoholic family. Alcoholism is a family disease. Just as your husb...
Amanda
The family is waking up Sunday AM and my alcoholic husband again makes another nasty comment to me. The things he has sa...
Angel
I learned how to detach from my drunk husband! Than my mother passed away. All gloves were off after that. My son gradua...
Lorraine
Married thirty seven and a half years to an alcoholic. But he is a good person. And he does good deeds for everyone neig...
jw
I have been with my husband twenty one years. We have three children together, ages 5,7, and 9. He is a functioning alco...
Richard Berman
A emotional story well written with bright eye ups and sad eye downs. A story I could relate to. My grandparents would...
Gina
Love this. Just what I needed to read. Thank you for your courage to share this....
Tired
I am struggling with detaching, but still trying. I have been with my other half off and on for 5 years. The offs were...
Debra Grossman
Thank you for sharing this beautiful story. It nourishes my soul to learn of such special friendships. We humans must ...
Jack russell
Really enjoyed reading the website. I have also have a website about this great dog....
Thank God for your blog. After 37 years of being married to an alcoholic,I've finally reached my breaking point. Emotion...
Thanx 4 da truth...
Sandra
I am from USA, i am 36 years old, i want to gladly give My testimony of how a spell caster dr.mac@yahoo. com brought bac...
g
Thank you for your words. As I navigate through marriage with children (11, 5, 3) and I am a stay at home mom, the idea ...
Catherine Ellen Pettway
My husband and I married in 1988. He occasionally drank beer but not everyday. He came from a long history of alcoholics...
Nic
Thank you Mike for your honesty and vulnerability. It helps to feel a connection with someone who understands the enduri...
Robert Goldsmith
Thank you for sharing that very intimate experience and your story. I'm married to an alcoholic and am having severe pro...
MANDI
Is this group still going? I love my husband and I knew what I was getting into when I married him. I knew he like to dr...
Kelly
Dear Keith, I hope you are at peace now. You are missed by many....
Delilah Campos
Dear LaVora, Thank you so much for sharing this intimate experience. I am deeply touched and encouraged by your experie...
Mary Ellen Bennett
Thank you so much. I am married to an alcoholic and I have watched him go through rehabilitation and relapse many times....
Tracy
Thank you for sharing your story with me Ivor. I'm so glad you had a loving supportive Aunt to guide you out from beneat...
Daniel Fontana
I know those kids,especially Snezana.Please send me their contact information....
Neyhaaa
I can't thank you enough for sharing this. Yet, thank you....
Amy
My daughter is five and her dad is an alcoholic. I know we need to leave. We both own our house and I can't afford a law...
CPC
I think this is among the such a lot important info for me. And i'm happy studying your article. However want to statem...
online festival
Every year, people in India find different ways to celebrate the same festival, and perhaps this adds new dimension to...
Karol
Listening to all the mother's on here is overwhelming for me. I think about what all of you are going through and I can ...
Vicki Osheka
This is my second marriage and I came from a non drinking family. Didn't realize what I was getting into when I married...
Elle
Wel written article. My husband is walking around totally beligerant. Where he ends up making messes, he has snowballed ...
Maren
Thank you for this! 3rd day on Cipralex and a glimmer of hope....
I 'gave in' recently. I am more hopeful than ever that things will improve for me after reading this article. It is insp...
LindaJane Riley
I apologize to everyone who has commented. I didn't know this story was still active. I would like to invite all of ...
Rahulbh28
Dear Members, Please help me. . . I'm sharing my painful moments which my brother and my family members are undergoing ...
rene
Yes i too lived the nightmare for 45 yrs..when in my marriage the last. 10 yrs my alcoholic lived in the same house and ...
Grace
I typed in Google search, overcoming childhood loneliness because I am paying attention to some habits that I have been ...
Casadina
I am so thankful that I found this website. I am like others on here and my alcoholic is passed out snoring again. This ...
Grateful
I cannot express how much I appreciate your story. I have been with my alcoholic for 11 years and I do not even know my...
Vic
I stumbled upon this beautifully written article because I just "gave in" today. I just picked up my perscription of cir...
Carol
I have recently begun to admit that my husband is an alcoholic. My heart is broken... I am pissed... I have so many emot...
TJ
Thank you for this article. You are the first person who seems to understand why I am still married to an alcoholic. I...
sariah
I wept as I read your story. I am currently learning to detach as well after 20 years of marriage to an alcoholic. Leavi...
LaVora
Good luck, N. My experience may not be yours. However, I deeply believe that happiness is our birthright. You deserve th...
nk
Lavora, I am exactly here in my marriage - trying to turn it around. Rgds, N...
Suzanne
Hi Martin and Cathy. Watched your documentary. You are a wonderful family. Everyone has their struggles, no one is exemp...
admin
Thank you for letting us know. The link is now set to the their new WEB page. We have our dog from them....
Linda Jane Riley
About a year ago I was forced to take a step back from all things related to alcoholism. My husband, Riley, was not drin...
SHerry
Your link to the rescue adoption site is for sale with no other info on the dogs....
Karen Rago
I think that Jesse is the most adorable jack Russell terrier dog I love watching his videos to...
Marleen
Thank you for sharing your story! That's real inspirating!...
Julie
Its 4:50am here. I can hear him snoring in the nursery. I brought the baby to bed with me.. He only snores when he drink...
ld
I thought I was suffering alone. The advice and comments make me feel better and gives me the strength to go on. Keep th...
Sam
Hi Mike, Very poignant, "There are no grown-ups. We are all children in adult garments" is right on the mark. Sufferi...
TJ
Thank You!!! Like "judy" commented above my mind was racing and I felt out of control... My life seemed to be falling a...
Karunakaran
It's very nice....
judy
Thanks for ur writings... it really help my mind to calm down.... where can i go to talk with alot of nonalcoholics??? N...
Tanya Sousa
We certainly do have to change the way we respond, don't we Paul? I'm encouraged though. I do see it happening -- althou...
Paul Trainer
Thank you, Tanya, this is all so true. As someone who adores starlings too, I know that it is only when you take the tim...
Cathy
In reading I see how difficult it is to be married to an alcoholic husband for 30 years and have now discovered that if ...
carrir
You took the words right out of my mouth. Xoxo...
ceri
What an amazing story of love between step son and step father...
Caney Texas
Hello! I've been reading your site for some time now and finally got the bravery to go ahead and give you a shout out fr...
julie
what a wonderful article, she described me to a tee , it was nice to put words to the feelings , I am new to cipralex bu...
michele
I am hurting so badly right now, it is taking all the strength and coping ability I have just to get through the day! O...
denise morini
PLEASE understand that I do not feel redeemed......still...........getting Lexi DID NOT make up for what I did to Jack, ...
Carleen Quesenberry
Denise- It is perplexing that you would write a "feel good" story after you abandoned a dog due to your failure to trai...
Jon
While I love the article, I caution those reading the post by "finally AM, me." I was in a relationship for 12 years to...
Wendy Noer
I felt like I was there, good story Melodee, keep writing. Let me know when you finish another one....
thank you...
Sandi
This is great, Mel! Congratulations! I hope to see more of your writings - especially the novel you're working on......
Katie
My name is Katie. I'm 40. I have only visited your website, haven't purchased your book yet. I've been diagnosed bi-...
Kaylee
Your story helped convince me to start retaking my cipralex! Thank you!...
gautam khanal
Love actually does not have any boundary of Cast,Religion,Profile,Species,Class etc........
Nayanna Chakrbarty
Dear Kalpana, Thank you for your kind wishes. I do agree with you, when you think you are all alone that's when He ma...
Kalpana
Dear Nayanna, It' such a pleasure reading your experiences with Ganapthi (as I call him). He is so close to my heart ...
Haley
Made my day we have no reason to complain bout anything...
Melissa
Sorry typo , thank you again ......
Melissa
Thank you , LindaJane; I will consider joining. Thank you against for your response .. Be well Melissa...
Linda J Riley
UPDATE -- Since I wrote this story, I have created several support groups: Two on Facebook and one on an independent sit...
Melissa
For 20 years that had been my life! This last time was so bad , he attacked me then choked his 19 year old twin daughter...
Steve Sumii
Joe, What a beautiful story. I visualized the whole story. The ending where you walk with your dad was especially moving...
JW
The story now the subject of a documentary aired on Knowledge Network. Video can be seen online at: http://knowled...
http://tinyurl.com/kovalane39421
I really would like to book mark this blog, “Turning Trash Into Beauty – Kat Nicotera’s Unique Art Therapy | Thri...
joybells
wow. i am going through the same journey! thanks for helping me & assisting me with that journey!...
Noelle Sterne
Fangfang-- You have been blessed with a husband and parents who understand that nothing is wasted. And you have learn...
Fangfang
Wow ... what a strong and passionate article!! Really?? Nothing is wasted?? I am feeling like I have wasted my life for...
Pushpa Rawat
sooo lovely and feel of very true friendship forever...
Tanya Sousa
Hi Diane! I'm so glad you enjoyed it. I was so blessed to have her in my life AND to have the parents I had. Also, gr...
Joyce
Billie, I found your story very interesting and well-written. Some people would have been judgemental about the conditio...
Diane
Shiri, your article is very interesting and brought tears to my eyes. I have been a dog parent/companion to many wonder...
Diane Schachter
Tanya, I so enjoyed reading the story of your dog sister. I love how you describe your adventures and relationship with...
Acamea
Thank you James. :-)...