I found myself in a predicament. I’d volunteered to clean the washroom before accepting the lift home I’d been offered. I threw a pail of dirty water down the toilet; flushed it and proceeded into the strange building. Eventually I found my way into the parking areas. The people who’d offered me the ride home had vanished.
Perturbed at this I walked around the back to another empty parking lot. Nothing! Not a soul or a vehicle in sight. The building I returned to was empty so I turned heel and proceeded down the nearest street. The only living thing I spied was a grey cat.
I had to get home somehow and hadn’t a clue as to the direction I must go. Sparse traffic filled the seemingly endless and totally unfamiliar maze of streets. As the occasional car passed I tried to make contact to ask directions. Nobody responded. I felt horribly alone…. then I awoke. The clock said 7.15 a.m.
As I hurried through breakfast knowing the dogs needed their morning walk, I described my unpleasant dream to my wife who sagely replied that the dream mirrored my most unhappy childhood. My parents divorced when I was about six, both remarried and I became unwanted baggage. The most convenient place to store excess baggage, if you could afford the expense, was by placing it in a boarding school.
I first was a boarder at Strathcona School for boys in Calgary and later transferred to North Shore College in North Vancouver. Both were sort of a living hell. Strict masters. Oppressive discipline and long, lonely weekends bereft of friends or family. Severe caning of a boys’ backside was the only warmth dished out and this type of heat would leave black and blue marks across your bum for a couple of weeks.
Summer or Christmas holidays were brief sojourns into atmospheres where I really wasn’t wanted although, being young I really could not understand this fact. My mother’s husband was quite pleasant in a militaristic way, but my father’s wife obviously loathed me and considered me a burden thrown her way by an uncaring mother.
Other than these two brief holiday periods, the summer one usually consisting of a time spent at a boys’ camp after a brief period at home, I saw my father a couple of times on weekends when he’d take me for a drive. The only contact with my mother were occasional letters in reply to the ones I sent that were read and censored by one of the schools teachers.
My wife had been correct in her diagnosis. My dream was a perfect reflection of my emotions as they were 75 years ago. A lost little boy, seeking love and never finding it; no wonder at age 16 I found the wartime Canadian army a welcoming place and ever since have lavished my love on dogs who will never let you down in that most necessary part of our lives.
Although so many years have passed and love and friendship have entered my life, in the still of the night my early memories overwhelm me. The torment of youthful depravation unleashes its darkness upon me. It is unfortunately buried deep within my memories which, hopefully, will be discarded at bodily death.
Time has a way of revealing truths. It has taken me the better part of 80 years to understand my father’s plight and his actions towards me when I was a boy.
As children, we often look up to our parents, and to adults in general with both awe and the conviction that they have all the answers or that they at least know better and will always do what’s right. It never crosses our minds to think that they are as clueless about life as we are. They are bigger in size, but still struggling for understanding and meaning all the same. There are no grown-ups. We are all children in adult garments, grappling with life and trying to recover from all its blows. Parents can be their own worst enemies, and they can unknowingly do so much damage to their kids. They are human: imperfect, selfish, and sometimes uncaring. They make mistakes, and sometimes their children have to pay the price. I wish more people thought about this when they dealt with their kids, or rather, I wish more people thought about this before having kids and condemning them to a future of loneliness and misery. We are resilient as human beings and most if not all wounds heal, but some, especially ones acquired at childhood, leave deep scars: souvenirs from the past, reminders of peoples’ carelessness.
This perhaps is why I love animals. They never judge and hurt you, but always love you unconditionally. We love animals because they let us, they add to our lives and they don’t hurt us, and the only emptiness they leave in our hearts is the emptiness of their absence and their deaths.
I imagine that beyond this world, waiting for me is a joyful circle of all my four legged friends that have been my dearest loves as well. Big and small, many breeds from many dimensions of time and place, including the happy meowing of numerous cats who had shared life with me, as well as a few of my beloved horses who’ll welcome me with a greeting of whinnies.
I also am a believer in reincarnation and accept the fact that my path through life is the one I chose in order to teach my soul a lesson. Perhaps healing and closure will be mine at a different lifetime, but my hope today is that there is a spiritual dimension to life and that we all have another chance to get things right in the future. If not, we will never know what the meaning of all this is, will we? And, who knows for sure?
The answer is no one. All is faith, hope or conjecture.
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October 27th, 2013 @ 10:38 am
Hi Mike,
Very poignant, “There are no grown-ups. We are all children in adult garments” is right on the mark. Suffering under the roof of a joyless house (thankfully old enough and have money to leave soon) were my parents offer mainly criticism (mostly irrational) and never a smile or meaningful support often makes me feel the more mature one though I wish things were different. It’s a reflection of their own loveless relationship which I think has come through lack of empathy. I think it’s true what you say that people can not understand or shun their responsibility of simple affection and love, it’s so easy to give and the giving begets. I certainly won’t make the same mistakes when I’m older, even if it’s hard.
Thank you for sharing your thoughts, I enjoyed reading this and hope you find the peace you’re after.
Sam
March 3rd, 2015 @ 7:26 am
I typed in Google search, overcoming childhood loneliness because I am paying attention to some habits that I have been doing in my relationships, yet still feel confused but in a peaceful way.. As I got older and lost a parent, I was able to pay attention to they way this parent cope with death. Much more emotional than I expected but i am not seeing that because this parent was rasied in a loveless home. 6kids and father, always out the house cheating and coming home to fight while mother was tough and played favorites often. Now in a way, this parent continues the cycle, maybe subconsciously but now is informed. He likes the idea of cheating but now that he is older he feels unsatisfied with his life because its harder and the sad part is that he was a home and a wife who looks good but as he ages and is sick he is just not happy, something missing in his life. I feel most times like a outsider in my own relationships and maybe my mind. I see that relationship for me always seems to be at the moment thing, temporary, still with the possibility of me cheating and not being satisfied. Yet feelings and status still go deep but in a way shallow. .. My dog passed away on January 6th actually, and the way my schedule is set up I dont have the time to raise a puppy or want one right now but I agree, your pet provides unconditional love to you.. and I also agree on what was said, we are all clueless and unsure of things, we have have our backgrounds and beliefs, associations and experiences. We all are children who follow what we see and then ourintegellance and beliefs will determine what type of path we want for ourselves
January 16th, 2017 @ 7:50 pm
Thank you Mike for your honesty and vulnerability. It helps to feel a connection with someone who understands the enduring pain and emptiness of loveless relationships. I am also struggling with the life long effects of a loveless childhood/family and estrangement (my own healthy choice of no contact…I finally stopped pretending.) But the pain of feeling unloved and easily discarded never goes away.
I recently lost my little dog, Andy. He was my only experience of enduring love. He was killed during a recent home invasion. I am broken-hearted and fearful I won’t recover. I am on my own and not very successful with relationships. As a woman, I’m eventually filled with fear and suspicion and end up walking away. It makes for a lonely and desperate existence. It’s sad because I’m so aware that I feel unable to live up to my potential. It seems unfair the importance life places on infant/parental nurturing. But recent events have taught me that life is not fair. Everyday is a struggle. My life has little meaning and I don’t feel needed or wanted. Wonderful people have reached out to offer support but I feel their expiration dates coming up soon. Do you understand my meaning?
Anyway, I wanted to say thank you and that it helps to know that it was your 4-legged loved ones that also made you feel loved. It’s no coincidence that dog is God spelled backwards ( a reflection of unconditional love.) I am so grateful for my little Andy’s love. Thank you for sharing your pain.