spacer
Thrive logo
spacer
spacer Log in | spacer
corner spacer corner
spacer
spacer
corner browseissues corner
spacer
spacer
spacer
corner spacer corner
spacer
corner popularlinks corner
spacer
spacer
spacer
corner spacer corner
corner spacer corner
spacer
spacer
spacer
spacer
corner spacer corner
spacer
spacer
corner spacer corner
spacer

Ailynne
By John Edward Casteele

It’s a moment like no other.

Seeing your child for the first time on an ultrasound is a major event in any expectant parent’s life; you can actually see that little living piece of you, knowing that he or she is real. Unfortunately, not every child shown on an ultrasound is actually all right.  My girlfriend and I had to learn this the hard way.

It was a beautiful day, sunny and warm.  Everything that you could possibly ask for in early spring.  It was the day that we were scheduled for our first ultrasound, and we were both nervous and excited.  The image of my child came up on the monitor and I was blown away… until the woman running the machine told us that something was wrong.  She wasn’t picking up a heartbeat, and the baby’s heart should have started beating a few weeks ago.  The image on the monitor that my world had briefly revolved around tore my world apart.

I don’t really remember much of that afternoon, but what I do remember is in shocking clarity.  I remember the clothes I was wearing, and I remember that we took our dog for a miles-long walk.  I remember being so angry at the weather for daring to be so beautiful, and being angry at the world for not stopping for our pain.  I remember coming home to what seemed like an empty house, but I don’t remember that night at all.

The days and weeks that followed are similarly a blur.  We somehow made it through that first week, at which point I realized I’d been putting on the same clothes every day as though a clean change of clothes would make it all real.  Angela went to visit her mother indefinitely, seeking solace from someone who’d faced the same heartbreak, leaving me home alone.  It was better that way, really; I’ve always had to be the strong one for everyone else, and it’s hard for me to deal with my own pain when someone else is around.  I was alone, lost in my own world, and unsure if anything would ever be okay again.

Angela read that it sometimes helped with the grieving process to go ahead and name the baby, in that you’re actually grieving the loss of an individual, not just the loss of a concept.  From the moment that she found out that she was pregnant, she’d had a feeling we were going to have a little girl, so we named her Ailynne Rose.  In a way it did help to have a name for our loss, but at the same time it made the pain so much more real.  My heart ached in a way I can’t describe, a longing to hold my Ailynne.

In A Grief Observed, C.S. Lewis compared grief to fear.  That book was once my coping mechanism for loss, as I read it when an aunt I had been very close to passed away.  I read the book cover-to-cover every day, losing myself in the pain of another so as to better cope with my own.  This time around, however, I couldn’t bring myself to open the book and seek solace in the raw emotion it contained… my grief this time was unlike fear.  My grief was more akin to hunger, a deep and primal hunger that wracked my body with pain and sought to consume me from within.  It was a hunger that nothing could satisfy, and every day it just grew worse.

Spring turned to summer and the intensity of my grief finally began to fade.  I still found myself drowning in a torrent of emotion at times, but the tears and the breakdowns were less common than they were.  I actively sought out ways to cope with my loss; I read everything I could on the subject, hoping to find some solace in the words of others.  I sought out poetry and scripture, songs and memorials… anything that I thought might help me to make sense of the pain.  Even as I tried to move on, however, I found myself occasionally fighting against progress because a part of me just didn’t want to cope.  Coping meant acceptance, and it still hurt too much to fully accept that she was gone.

It was during my search that I learned about National Pregnancy and Infant Loss Awareness Day, a day set aside in every state by Congress and by a number of countries around the world, to remember those children who were gone too soon.  The day falls on October 15th, only a week before Ailynne was due.

The summer progressed and gradually a day passed without me thinking about Ailynne, followed by the guilt of having forgotten her even for a day.  More days like this would come, not because I wanted them to, but because there was no other way for it to be.  Coping means acceptance, and acceptance means moving on.  My heart ached because I didn’t want my little girl to be forgotten… but I knew deep down, at least to a certain extent, she would have to be if I was ever going to be myself again.

By the end of August, I had found some semblance of myself again.  Angela and I both had come to terms with what had happened, and worked on repairing the gaps between us that had formed while we were lost within our own worlds of pain.  We relearned how to talk to each other, struggling to find the words we needed when neither of us knew what to say.  Slowly we started to grow accustomed to each other’s company again, though it wasn’t always easy.  I know that I wasn’t pleasant to be around some of the time though, as the days ticked by, I made an effort to be more like the man I was before.

As we grew comfortable with each other, September arrived.  The beginning of autumn was upon us and we would have to acknowledge what we’d both been avoiding… October was coming.  This meant that we’d have to face our loss, and we’d have to remember the pain and emptiness all over again.

I wish that I could say we faced October 15th together and managed to find peace within our sorrow, but unfortunately that’s not how the story played out.  I was out of town, visiting with a friend who was celebrating his upcoming wedding, while Angela visited another friend of ours.  My mood was dark and I spent a lot of time alone, my thoughts largely on my lost daughter, while those around me toasted the future.  Being away from Angela that night, however, may have helped me to avoid being swallowed by the darkness completely, since my sorrow couldn’t feed hers and hers couldn’t feed mine.

Surprisingly, what would have been Ailynne’s due date passed uneventfully.  Perhaps we had both been burned out on emotion by the 15th.  Melancholy ruled the day, but it was a far cry from the pain and sorrow that we’d experienced so many times in the preceding months.  Her due date passed, and the world seemed a different place.  Not brighter or more hopeful, just different.  Without that specter looming ahead of us as a reminder, the world was at last a place where we could work on rebuilding our lives and moving forward with our dreams.

The moving forward came faster than expected, with us learning by Thanksgiving that we were expecting again.  The first ultrasound was terrifying this time around, though it took no time for the ultrasound technician to find a good strong heartbeat in the baby.  Every appointment was attended with both reserved excitement and contained fear, yet every appointment showed that the baby was developing perfectly.  Several doctors used that word “perfect”, sometimes pointing out that they generally don’t tell patients that, but we had what appeared to be a perfect baby.

The baby continued to grow and develop with a heartbeat that was always strong, and soon enough we found out that we were having a girl.  This stirred up old emotions, a strong feeling of loss.  We both fought to hide the pain, not wanting to bring down the other, or dilute the excitement that our new daughter deserved, with sadness for our lost child.  We did our best to contain it and not let it overshadow what was to come.

Josephine Louise arrived on July 11, 2011, at 1:21 PM.  She was born early due to some distress that set in at the very end of the pregnancy, but not early enough to truly be considered premature.  I couldn’t help but be amused by the fact that her numerical birthdate and time was 7/11/11 13:21; looking at various cultures around the world, every number involved is a lucky number somewhere.

I held Josephine for the first time, carrying her from the delivery room to the nursery while they measured her and performed various tests.  I’m not sure how long I stayed there in the nursery with her, but long enough to sing her the first song she’d hear.  Just as with the loss of Ailynne, time was moving at a different pace; I knew that once I walked out of the nursery and the doors shut behind me, that time would resume, so I did my best to take advantage of those moments while I had them.

Angela’s mother came down for a week to help with the baby once we brought her home, and I’m not sure exactly what we would have done without her.  Even with her there to help out for the first week, it seemed like we were totally unprepared once she was gone.  They say that it’s all part of being a new parent and I suppose that they’re right, but nothing that had come before had gotten us ready for the newborn Hurricane Josephine.

In the months since, of course, we’ve gotten used to the routines of parenthood.  Feedings, diapers, bedtimes and playtimes.  Naps and cute little outfits and tiny pajamas with giraffes on them.  At two-and-a-half months she got her first tooth, and by three months she was trying to sing along with me when I’d sing to her.  Her doctor predicts that she’ll be an early walker, and she’s already getting so curious about the world around her, I know it won’t be long before she wants to know everything there is to know about everything there is to see.

Though I wouldn’t trade my Josie for anything, I can’t help but wonder what Ailynne would have been like.  Would she have been as inquisitive?  Would she try to sing along with me?  It’s a fool’s errand to try and guess, but that doesn’t stop the questions from popping into my head from time to time.

Looking back, it’s hard to believe how much things have changed in a year.  Last October was a month to dread, knowing that it would open up wounds that had barely closed.  This October is a month to celebrate, with ghosts on Josephine’s footie pajamas and discussions of what we should dress her as for Halloween.  Ailynne’s loss is felt a bit stronger this month than it has in the past few, but it’s not as overwhelming as it was last year.  There’s so much about how we felt about her that’s begun to fade away, and though we still remember her, sometimes, I wonder if she’s going to eventually fade away completely, and I feel the guilt and sadness creep in again.

I know that I carry her in my heart, though, and I have my memories of lying with Angela with my hand on her belly while Ailynne was still growing inside.  To a certain extent the past has to be forgotten, but there are always pieces that we can hold on to for the future.

John Edward Casteele Bio:

Born in West Virginia, John Casteele now lives in western Kentucky. Casteele has been a freelance writer since 2004, with over 3,000 articles in publication both online and in magazines. In addition to writing, he edits professionally and occasionally works on comic art projects as well.

Casteele has written and edited for American, Canadian, British, and even Chinese companies and websites. He is also a former nationally-ranked sport fencer.

Back to Stories

spacer
COMMENTS (2) | children, grief, parenting, relationships, renewal
spacer

Comments

2 Responses to “Ailynne”

  1. Abe Winnipeg Manitoba Canada
    May 2nd, 2012 @ 6:30 pm

    Thank you John for sharing your journey. People often think that men don’t bond with their child during pregnancy or during the infant stage but your story clearly shows otherwise. Your love for both girls is beautiful.

  2. Anne Wilson
    October 15th, 2012 @ 5:21 am

    This was so incredibly beautiful. I cried through the whole thing! You, and Angela, are amazing parents. I will never forget that day either, honestly. And since I know you and Angela, this story seemed so real to me because I understood and remember all of those emotions. But Josie IS a perfect child. She is the light at the end of the tunnel. *hugs*

Leave a Reply





spacer
spacer
spacer
spacer
spacer
corner spacer corner
spacer
corner spacer corner
spacer
newsletter
spacer
spacer
spacer
corner spacer corner
spacer
corner comments corner
spacer

    Mike

    My wife is an alcoholic she drinks liquor from the time she gets up until the the liquor store closes.im at the crossroa...
    April

    I have been married to my alcoholic husband for 11 years but we have been together for the last 19 years. We met at a ve...
    Tina

    I have been married for 22 years. Both my husband and I were casual drinkers. As the years went by we began drinking m...
    Amy Weisenburger

    What a beautiful message!! My fur-babies, soulmates gave my life tremendous purpose and meaning. Their paw print...
    Frank Sterle Jr.

    Whenever I observe stress in the facial expression of my mother, a typical senior, I also observe how that stress drains...
    Kim

    This was an excellent blog. I have been with my alcoholic husband for 15 years. I felt like I was losing my mind with th...
    Alice

    Helping someone with this issue is hard. And even more if you love him. I know that very well. We struggled with it for ...
    Union Alarm

    The best way is to leave such a person as it is not worth making your life miserable with such a person. I know this as ...
    Nancy Flora

    I think what you mean is a non-drinking member of an alcoholic family. Alcoholism is a family disease. Just as your husb...
    Amanda

    The family is waking up Sunday AM and my alcoholic husband again makes another nasty comment to me. The things he has sa...
    Angel

    I learned how to detach from my drunk husband! Than my mother passed away. All gloves were off after that. My son gradua...
    Lorraine

    Married thirty seven and a half years to an alcoholic. But he is a good person. And he does good deeds for everyone neig...
    jw

    I have been with my husband twenty one years. We have three children together, ages 5,7, and 9. He is a functioning alco...
    Richard Berman

    A emotional story well written with bright eye ups and sad eye downs. A story I could relate to. My grandparents would...
    Gina

    Love this. Just what I needed to read. Thank you for your courage to share this....
    Tired

    I am struggling with detaching, but still trying. I have been with my other half off and on for 5 years. The offs were...
    Debra Grossman

    Thank you for sharing this beautiful story. It nourishes my soul to learn of such special friendships. We humans must ...
    Jack russell

    Really enjoyed reading the website. I have also have a website about this great dog....


    Thank God for your blog. After 37 years of being married to an alcoholic,I've finally reached my breaking point. Emotion...


    Thanx 4 da truth...
    Sandra

    I am from USA, i am 36 years old, i want to gladly give My testimony of how a spell caster dr.mac@yahoo. com brought bac...
    g

    Thank you for your words. As I navigate through marriage with children (11, 5, 3) and I am a stay at home mom, the idea ...
    Catherine Ellen Pettway

    My husband and I married in 1988. He occasionally drank beer but not everyday. He came from a long history of alcoholics...
    Nic

    Thank you Mike for your honesty and vulnerability. It helps to feel a connection with someone who understands the enduri...
    Robert Goldsmith

    Thank you for sharing that very intimate experience and your story. I'm married to an alcoholic and am having severe pro...
    MANDI

    Is this group still going? I love my husband and I knew what I was getting into when I married him. I knew he like to dr...
    Kelly

    Dear Keith, I hope you are at peace now. You are missed by many....
    Delilah Campos

    Dear LaVora, Thank you so much for sharing this intimate experience. I am deeply touched and encouraged by your experie...
    Mary Ellen Bennett

    Thank you so much. I am married to an alcoholic and I have watched him go through rehabilitation and relapse many times....
    Tracy

    Thank you for sharing your story with me Ivor. I'm so glad you had a loving supportive Aunt to guide you out from beneat...
    Daniel Fontana

    I know those kids,especially Snezana.Please send me their contact information....
    Neyhaaa

    I can't thank you enough for sharing this. Yet, thank you....
    Amy

    My daughter is five and her dad is an alcoholic. I know we need to leave. We both own our house and I can't afford a law...
    CPC

    I think this is among the such a lot important info for me. And i'm happy studying your article. However want to statem...
    online festival

    Every year, people in India find different ways to celebrate the same festival, and perhaps this adds new dimension to...
    Karol

    Listening to all the mother's on here is overwhelming for me. I think about what all of you are going through and I can ...
    Vicki Osheka

    This is my second marriage and I came from a non drinking family. Didn't realize what I was getting into when I married...
    Elle

    Wel written article. My husband is walking around totally beligerant. Where he ends up making messes, he has snowballed ...
    Maren

    Thank you for this! 3rd day on Cipralex and a glimmer of hope....


    I 'gave in' recently. I am more hopeful than ever that things will improve for me after reading this article. It is insp...
    LindaJane Riley

    I apologize to everyone who has commented. I didn't know this story was still active. I would like to invite all of ...
    Rahulbh28

    Dear Members, Please help me. . . I'm sharing my painful moments which my brother and my family members are undergoing ...
    rene

    Yes i too lived the nightmare for 45 yrs..when in my marriage the last. 10 yrs my alcoholic lived in the same house and ...
    Grace

    I typed in Google search, overcoming childhood loneliness because I am paying attention to some habits that I have been ...
    Casadina

    I am so thankful that I found this website. I am like others on here and my alcoholic is passed out snoring again. This ...
    Grateful

    I cannot express how much I appreciate your story. I have been with my alcoholic for 11 years and I do not even know my...
    Vic

    I stumbled upon this beautifully written article because I just "gave in" today. I just picked up my perscription of cir...
    Carol

    I have recently begun to admit that my husband is an alcoholic. My heart is broken... I am pissed... I have so many emot...
    TJ

    Thank you for this article. You are the first person who seems to understand why I am still married to an alcoholic. I...
    sariah

    I wept as I read your story. I am currently learning to detach as well after 20 years of marriage to an alcoholic. Leavi...
    LaVora

    Good luck, N. My experience may not be yours. However, I deeply believe that happiness is our birthright. You deserve th...
    nk

    Lavora, I am exactly here in my marriage - trying to turn it around. Rgds, N...
    Suzanne

    Hi Martin and Cathy. Watched your documentary. You are a wonderful family. Everyone has their struggles, no one is exemp...
    admin

    Thank you for letting us know. The link is now set to the their new WEB page. We have our dog from them....
    Linda Jane Riley

    About a year ago I was forced to take a step back from all things related to alcoholism. My husband, Riley, was not drin...
    SHerry

    Your link to the rescue adoption site is for sale with no other info on the dogs....
    Karen Rago

    I think that Jesse is the most adorable jack Russell terrier dog I love watching his videos to...
    Marleen

    Thank you for sharing your story! That's real inspirating!...
    Julie

    Its 4:50am here. I can hear him snoring in the nursery. I brought the baby to bed with me.. He only snores when he drink...
    ld

    I thought I was suffering alone. The advice and comments make me feel better and gives me the strength to go on. Keep th...
    Sam

    Hi Mike, Very poignant, "There are no grown-ups. We are all children in adult garments" is right on the mark. Sufferi...
    TJ

    Thank You!!! Like "judy" commented above my mind was racing and I felt out of control... My life seemed to be falling a...
    Karunakaran

    It's very nice....
    judy

    Thanks for ur writings... it really help my mind to calm down.... where can i go to talk with alot of nonalcoholics??? N...
    Tanya Sousa

    We certainly do have to change the way we respond, don't we Paul? I'm encouraged though. I do see it happening -- althou...
    Paul Trainer

    Thank you, Tanya, this is all so true. As someone who adores starlings too, I know that it is only when you take the tim...
    Cathy

    In reading I see how difficult it is to be married to an alcoholic husband for 30 years and have now discovered that if ...
    carrir

    You took the words right out of my mouth. Xoxo...
    ceri

    What an amazing story of love between step son and step father...
    Caney Texas

    Hello! I've been reading your site for some time now and finally got the bravery to go ahead and give you a shout out fr...
    julie

    what a wonderful article, she described me to a tee , it was nice to put words to the feelings , I am new to cipralex bu...
    michele

    I am hurting so badly right now, it is taking all the strength and coping ability I have just to get through the day! O...
    denise morini

    PLEASE understand that I do not feel redeemed......still...........getting Lexi DID NOT make up for what I did to Jack, ...
    Carleen Quesenberry

    Denise- It is perplexing that you would write a "feel good" story after you abandoned a dog due to your failure to trai...
    Jon

    While I love the article, I caution those reading the post by "finally AM, me." I was in a relationship for 12 years to...
    Wendy Noer

    I felt like I was there, good story Melodee, keep writing. Let me know when you finish another one....


    thank you...
    Sandi

    This is great, Mel! Congratulations! I hope to see more of your writings - especially the novel you're working on......
    Katie

    My name is Katie. I'm 40. I have only visited your website, haven't purchased your book yet. I've been diagnosed bi-...
    Kaylee

    Your story helped convince me to start retaking my cipralex! Thank you!...
    gautam khanal

    Love actually does not have any boundary of Cast,Religion,Profile,Species,Class etc........
    Nayanna Chakrbarty

    Dear Kalpana, Thank you for your kind wishes. I do agree with you, when you think you are all alone that's when He ma...
    Kalpana

    Dear Nayanna, It' such a pleasure reading your experiences with Ganapthi (as I call him). He is so close to my heart ...
    Haley

    Made my day we have no reason to complain bout anything...
    Melissa

    Sorry typo , thank you again ......
    Melissa

    Thank you , LindaJane; I will consider joining. Thank you against for your response .. Be well Melissa...
    Linda J Riley

    UPDATE -- Since I wrote this story, I have created several support groups: Two on Facebook and one on an independent sit...
    Melissa

    For 20 years that had been my life! This last time was so bad , he attacked me then choked his 19 year old twin daughter...
    Steve Sumii

    Joe, What a beautiful story. I visualized the whole story. The ending where you walk with your dad was especially moving...
    JW

    The story now the subject of a documentary aired on Knowledge Network. Video can be seen online at: http://knowled...
    http://tinyurl.com/kovalane39421

    I really would like to book mark this blog, “Turning Trash Into Beauty – Kat Nicotera’s Unique Art Therapy | Thri...
    joybells

    wow. i am going through the same journey! thanks for helping me & assisting me with that journey!...
    Noelle Sterne

    Fangfang-- You have been blessed with a husband and parents who understand that nothing is wasted. And you have learn...
    Fangfang

    Wow ... what a strong and passionate article!! Really?? Nothing is wasted?? I am feeling like I have wasted my life for...
    Pushpa Rawat

    sooo lovely and feel of very true friendship forever...
    Tanya Sousa

    Hi Diane! I'm so glad you enjoyed it. I was so blessed to have her in my life AND to have the parents I had. Also, gr...
    Joyce

    Billie, I found your story very interesting and well-written. Some people would have been judgemental about the conditio...
    Diane

    Shiri, your article is very interesting and brought tears to my eyes. I have been a dog parent/companion to many wonder...
    Diane Schachter

    Tanya, I so enjoyed reading the story of your dog sister. I love how you describe your adventures and relationship with...
    Acamea

    Thank you James. :-)...
spacer
corner spacer corner
spacer
Copyright 2010 thriveinlife.ca. All rights reserved. | Privacy Statement
spacer
spacer