{"id":4034,"date":"2012-04-05T18:16:36","date_gmt":"2012-04-06T01:16:36","guid":{"rendered":"http:\/\/www.thriveinlife.ca\/?p=4034"},"modified":"2012-10-01T17:44:03","modified_gmt":"2012-10-02T00:44:03","slug":"from-the-ukraine-with-love","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/www.thriveinlife.ca\/index.php\/from-the-ukraine-with-love\/","title":{"rendered":"From Ukraine With Love"},"content":{"rendered":"

\"\"<\/a> It is a result of coincidence that I am writing this story about a unique family.\u00a0\u00a0 I met Cathy while chatting at a local dog park this past spring.\u00a0 She spontaneously shared that she and her husband Martin had adopted five children from Ukraine.\u00a0 \u201cFive kids, that\u2019s a lot of kids,\u201d I remember saying.\u00a0 But it was not until the ride home that it dawned on me that their story could possibly be a story for Thrive In Life. Too late, I had no phone number or knowledge as to where she lived. She was not present during any subsequent visits to the park.\u00a0 Now, here is where the coincidence part comes in.\u00a0 In autumn, I was taking the bus to the airport and just before I was about to dismount, I overheard a man saying to the person beside him that he and his wife had adopted five children from Ukraine.\u00a0 My antennae went up and I quickly asked if his wife\u2019s name was Cathy, and could I have their phone number. \u00a0He looked at me quizzically and provided the information on a small borrowed piece of paper as we exited the bus.<\/p>\n

Their story dates back to 1996.\u00a0 At the time, Martin and Cathy were both employed as pediatric nurses, (they met at a local hospital), living the lives of a childless couple \u2013 going out for dinner and a play were commonplace.\u00a0 Then the unexpected happened; Cathy was in a serious car accident that left Cathy with debilitating back pain, requiring several surgeries.\u00a0 Her pain was intense and necessitated the use of pain medication.\u00a0 Ultimately, she was no longer able to work, and as the years passed, she continued to experience intense pain. \u00a0Cathy was clearly in no condition to become pregnant and carry a baby.\u00a0 Lifting a toddler was out of the question.\u00a0 They also had concerns about Cathy\u2019s pain medicine affecting the fetus.\u00a0 Martin and Cathy both concluded that due to health risks, they should not have a biological child.<\/p>\n

But they were not ones to give up quickly. \u00a0They began talking about adopting a pair of siblings.\u00a0 Unlike so many other couples, Martin and Cathy\u00a0wanted<\/strong> older children who did not need to be carried or lifted \u2013 ideally they wanted a sibling pair between the ages of four and nine. \u00a0The process of finding an adoption agency with relatively short waiting periods was arduous.\u00a0 They began to pursue an international adoption and discovered that adoptions from Ukraine were feasible and could occur within a shorter period of time; (this proved to be wrong in the end).\u00a0 From neighbours, who also wanted to adopt from Ukraine, they heard of a program whereby a couple can host a child for a few weeks during the summer, in order to give the children a holiday and break from orphanage life. \u00a0They were told that there was only a slim possibility that this could lead to adoption.\u00a0 Cathy and Martin decided to proceed nonetheless.<\/p>\n

In the summer of 2006, seven year old Alyona flew with a Ukraine appointed guardian to Canada for a two week stay with the Wards. \u00a0\u201cThere she was, this little waif arriving with only the clothes on her back \u2013 not even a backpack or a teddy bear,\u201d Cathy recalls. \u00a0\u201cShe looked terrified but didn\u2019t cry once.\u00a0 I remember exactly what she was wearing \u2013 a green jacket, a yellow skirt and flip flops.\u201d \u00a0They had a wonderful time and proceeded to enquire if they could adopt Alyona. \u00a0While waiting, they learned that Alyona had a sister named Snezhana.<\/p>\n

\"\"<\/a><\/p>\n

During the Christmas holidays of 2006, the two sisters came for a visit and things went extremely well. To Martin and Cathy\u2019s surprise, the girls shared that they had two brothers and another sister at the orphanage \u2013 Sasha, the youngest brother, an older brother named Sergei, and an older sister, Yuliya.\u00a0 \u00a0In January 2007, Cathy and Martin flew to Ukraine to meet the rest of the family.\u00a0 At that time, the two oldest were 15 and 16 and Martin and Cathy asked them if they too would like to be adopted and live with them.\u00a0 They emphatically said \u201cYes!\u201d \u00a0Cathy and Martin also learned that there was a younger sixth sibling, Tanya, who was in permanent foster care. \u00a0It was determined that it was in her best interests to stay with her foster mom whom she had lived with since she was very young.\u00a0 Yuliya, the oldest sister, especially misses Tanya and wishes that they could all be together.<\/p>\n

So, in the summer of 2007, \u201cWe brought the whole gang over for a ten week visit. \u00a0We had a wonderful time and it was so exciting,\u201d Cathy says.\u00a0 \u201cWhen we couldn\u2019t understand each other, we acted things out or used a picture dictionary.\u201d\u00a0 Martin adds, \u201cThe kids were so polite, helpful and friendly.\u00a0 They were on their best behaviour and everything went smoothly.\u201d<\/p>\n

It was disappointing for Cathy and Martin when they learned that there would be a waiting period of 14 months before any child from the orphanage could be adopted.\u00a0 Alyona and Snezhana were almost at the end of the 14 month waiting period, but the others were not. \u00a0Time was of the essence; adoptions were not allowed for children over the age of 19. In November 2007, the couple was able to adopt the two younger girls and, with a huge sigh of relief, returned to Canada with them.\u00a0 Meanwhile, they had to wait for the others. \u201cIt was a long and nerve-racking process,\u201d explains Cathy, \u201cthe Ukrainian government had changed and there was a temporary freeze on adoptions.\u201d\u00a0 Finally, in November of 2008, the freeze lifted and the waiting period ended, allowing Sasha, Sergei and Yuliya to fly home with their new parents.<\/p>\n

Shortly after the last of the children arrived, the family convened and collaboratively put together a chart entitled: \u201cHow We Respect Each Other and Things We Want to Change.\u201d \u00a0Cathy and Martin use what Martin refers to as a team model in parenting. \u00a0It is all about working together and doing what is in the best interests of the team, or in this case family.\u00a0 The captains are Cathy and Martin. \u00a0It was decided that anybody could call a family meeting if an issue came up.\u00a0 The children were accustomed to doing chores, so that was easy to implement. \u00a0This was especially good given Cathy\u2019s limitations. \u00a0\u201cThey are thoughtful and loving children.\u00a0 When the children misbehave, they apologize and give us a hug. \u00a0Other times,\u201d Cathy smiles, \u201cthey tell us to go on a date.\u201d<\/p>\n

The children are all from an orphanage in Gorodnya, a small northern Ukrainian village. \u00a0Cathy describes the building as mouldy, run-down and old, (from Stalin times), where the children slept on cots, and \u201cwhere the staff tries really hard.\u201d \u00a0Martin sums it up. \u201cIt was a very poor orphanage full of love.\u201d \u00a0At the orphanage, older brothers and sisters kept a watchful eye on their young siblings. \u00a0Snezhana, at the young age of 6, chewed up food and fed her younger siblings. \u00a0Martin recollects how sad it was to see \u201cthese little scrawny kids\u201d at the orphanage hauling away huge bags of leaves as part of their chores. \u00a0\u201cWe were on the verge of tears,\u201d remembers Cathy, \u201cwhen children we did not know came up to us to give us hugs and ask to be adopted.\u201d<\/p>\n

I asked Cathy and Martin what it was like being parents of five. \u00a0\u201cI must admit that it was a bit of a shock,\u201d Cathy says. \u201cWe were looking for two children and ended up with five.\u00a0 But once we saw them all together, we knew that we had made the right decision.\u201d\u00a0 Still, there have been sacrifices for Martin and Cathy. \u00a0They had to give up their beautiful heritage home in downtown Vancouver and move to a large home in a nearby city within commuting distance.\u00a0 The Wards now live in close proximity to Cathy\u2019s family consisting of 38 members \u2013 grandparents, aunts, uncles and numerous cousins. \u00a0Cathy\u2019s family have enveloped the five children with love and acceptance and are actively involved.<\/p>\n

Martin\u2019s grandmother, parents, sisters and their children live in the UK, but the distance has not been a deterrent to forming close relationships. \u00a0They have welcomed the children to the family with open arms. \u00a0Sergei and Yuliya have each gone independently to visit Martin\u2019s family, and plans are underway this summer for the three younger children, accompanied by their parents, to visit the UK.\u00a0 The cousins also stay in touch through Facebook.<\/p>\n

Fortunately, the neighbourhood where they live is also extremely family oriented, and there are always activities to attend. \u00a0Besides that, moving to a smaller city has given their children an opportunity to have more one-on-one EAL (English as an additional language) tutoring, than what they would have received in a downtown school where there are far more EAL students. \u00a0\u201cBeing accepted by extended family, the school, and the community at large,\u201d Martin observes, \u201cplayed a pivotal role in each child feeling a sense of belonging.\u201d<\/p>\n

Adopting their children and providing for them has been a very costly adventure.\u00a0 When they first arrived, because they were nutritionally deficient, the children consumed enormous amounts of food \u2013 it was not uncommon for each child to eat 10 to 15 servings of fruit a day, in addition to an abundance of vegetables and other food.\u00a0 Alyona, at age 8, weighed only 34 pounds, and Sergei measured 4\u20194\u201d at the age of 16.\u00a0 Cathy and Martin, concerned about a hormonal growth disorder, had him tested.\u00a0 In the end, his stunted growth was attributed to nutritional and psychological factors.\u00a0 \u201cAt the orphanage, the children don\u2019t go hungry, but are fed filling rather than nutritional foods,\u201d says Cathy.\u00a0 Sergei is now about 5\u20192\u201dand is very muscular.<\/p>\n

To better provide for his family, Martin does contract work as a pediatric nurse up north where salaries are higher.\u00a0 Typically, he is away about a month, but is then back for two or three weeks when he doesn\u2019t work at all.\u00a0 Both Cathy and Martin feel that in some ways this is a good arrangement in that when Martin is home, he can spend quality time with the children.\u00a0 Still, it is difficult for Cathy when Martin is away. \u00a0Martin is the breadwinner and he describes Cathy as \u201cthe pulse\u201d of the family. \u00a0He elaborates. \u00a0\u201cFrom my perspective, I hold true the value that behind every good man is an even better woman. \u00a0I strive to shape my kids to fly as high as they want, but never lose sight of the value that others in and around their lives can contribute; to this end I cannot emphasize too much the recognition that Cathy and the kids deserve in pulling together to make their lives better. \u00a0Cathy is a natural born leader, teacher and coach; without her commitment to the kids, I am sure the kids’ survival would have been somewhat more challenging to all of the Ward team.\u201d<\/p>\n

During the first year, many hours at home were designated to doing homework. Because English isn\u2019t their first language, everything took longer \u2013 sometimes as much as 4 or 5 hours per day.\u00a0 \u201cIt was painstaking,\u201d says Cathy.\u00a0 \u201cI already went to school,\u201d she chuckled, \u201cI didn\u2019t want to attend again.\u201d\u00a0 Now that the children know English, it takes much less time to do homework and they work quite independently.\u00a0\u00a0Cathy applauds the school where the children attend, and is grateful that it is composed of children from a variety of races and nationalities.\u00a0 Their crew share openly that they are from Ukraine and are proud of their heritage. \u00a0The children really like school and participate in many school sports, as they are all very athletic. \u00a0Cathy and Martin reminisce about Yuliya\u2019s and Snezhana\u2019s reaction when they showed the girls their future school which, during summer vacation, had metal bars on the windows.\u00a0 This reminded the girls of the metal boarded up windows of the orphanage. \u00a0\u201cIs that where we are going to live?\u201d they asked. \u00a0At that time, they didn\u2019t understand the concept of school being separate from home.<\/p>\n

I asked Cathy and Martin if it was more difficult to bond with the older two children.\u00a0 Cathy reveals that the older children came with more baggage.\u00a0 \u201cBecause they are adults, we speak to them differently. \u00a0It comes from a different place, more like mentoring, but it is still love.\u201d \u00a0For Martin, parenting the two oldest was the easiest and also the hardest. \u00a0\u201cWe had to treat them as children and adults simultaneously. They did not have much opportunity to play in the orphanage or be children.\u201d Unsurprisingly, there were some developmental delays.\u00a0\u00a0Initially, some of the children needed to be rocked and cradled to make up for what they had missed while growing up.\u00a0 \u201cOn the other hand,\u201d says Martin, \u201cwe needed to teach our children, especially Sergei and Yuliya, age-appropriate behaviours and how to make sound decisions.\u201d\u00a0 Cathy adds,\u00a0\u201cFor this reason, we gave them the freedom to come and go on non-school nights, albeit with a curfew.\u201d Cathy and Martin both agree that Sergai and Yuliya adjusted and matured relatively quickly.<\/p>\n

For the younger three children, Alyona, Snezhana and Sasha, the transition was easier. \u00a0Some of the children had trust and abandonment issues.\u00a0 They gradually learned to trust that Cathy and Martin will always be there for them.\u00a0 Cathy has re-enforced that it is okay to talk about their other mother \u2013 explaining that they have a Ukrainian mother and a Canadian mother.\u00a0 At the orphanage, Martin says, \u201cthe children often become either totally self-reliant and are afraid to ask for help.\u00a0 Others become institutionalized and unable to make even the simplest decisions, as was the case with Sasha.\u201d \u00a0Cathy notes, \u201cIn the orphanage there was a huge focus on perfectionism in academics and sports. \u00a0Now they are able to think for themselves and have learned that if they try hard, and put work into something, they will be successful \u2013 and that they don\u2019t need to be perfect.\u00a0 They are now willing to take chances.\u201d<\/p>\n

As a family they enjoy skiing, (Cathy snowshoes), biking, going to movies at budget theatres, and eating meals together.\u00a0 Martin and Cathy have offered them Ukrainian dancing lessons, but the children have no interest.\u00a0 They also are not interested in cooking or eating traditional Ukrainian foods.\u00a0 Their favourite foods are sushi, Indian food, and pizza. \u00a0They celebrate Ukrainian Christmas with a nice dinner.\u00a0 They are also learning to paint eggs.<\/p>\n

As sweet as all five children are, they sometimes misbehave. \u00a0That makes things normal. \u00a0\u00a0Early on, Cathy was given the finger by one of the kids.\u00a0 Some have experimented with smoking \u2013 typical teenage stuff. \u00a0Sometimes Cathy is told, \u201cYou\u2019re not my real mother\u201d or \u201cI want to go back to my old family.\u201d \u00a0This is very difficult for her to hear, but when she reflects on her own life, she remembers how she pushed her parents\u2019 buttons. \u00a0In the early days, the siblings tried to problem-solve with violence as they didn\u2019t know any other way. \u00a0Snezhana, Yuliya and Sasha had a different biological father who was physically abusive to all of the children and their mother. \u00a0\u201cWe have intentionally educated them about the cycle of violence and anger management,\u201d says Martin. \u00a0He feels that one of the best ways to teach non-violence and respect is through example.<\/p>\n

Martin comments further, \u201cWe felt that it was, and still is, important to teach the children Canadian and family values.\u201d \u00a0For example, the children needed to learn how to behave in a restaurant and not to interrupt people in mid-conversation.\u00a0 \u201cWe wanted to teach our children the importance of volunteerism and helping out others without getting paid.\u00a0 In our family, there is a cardinal rule that you never charge family or friends for doing favours.\u201d \u00a0Martin also mentions how important it is \u201cthe boys respect the girls, and the girls recognize that the world not only is, but should be, their oyster.\u201d<\/p>\n

I asked Martin and Cathy what their children\u2019s lives would have been like had they stayed in the orphanage and not been adopted. \u00a0\u201cFor one thing,\u201d says Cathy, \u201ctheir level of education at the orphanage would have been compromised compared to Canada.\u00a0 When Sergai and Yuliya first arrived, they didn\u2019t even know their time tables.\u201d\u00a0 Martin continues. \u201cUpon leaving the orphanage it is likely that all of the children would have survived \u2013 they would have likely gotten menial labour type jobs, but their education would have likely fallen between the cracks. \u00a0\u201cIt would have been a crapshoot,\u201d adds Cathy.\u00a0 \u201cSome end up on the street and others go on to pursue a vocation.\u201d\u00a0 Because the orphanage is in a small village, it is less likely that their children would have become criminals and prostitutes in that the community often takes adult orphans under its wings.\u00a0 However, Martin and Cathy were informed that in the bigger cities of Ukraine, 60% to 70% of adult orphans end up on the street.<\/p>\n

Martin and Cathy agree that all of their children are not only surviving, they are thriving.\u00a0 They are doing well at home, at school, and socially.\u00a0 Each of them is thriving in unique ways.\u00a0 Sergei, the oldest, initially took on somewhat of a parental role, making sure the others listened and co-operated.\u00a0 For example, when his siblings didn\u2019t want to eat some of the new Canadian foods, he basically told them \u201cto shut up and eat\u201d and they listened. \u00a0\u00a0Sergei was nominated for the Rotary Club\u2019s award for overcoming obstacles.\u00a0 He now lives with friends, and is employed in the construction industry while attending college to upgrade his Mathematics and English (in order to get his grade 12 diploma). \u00a0Yuliya is very ambitious.\u00a0 Within less than a year of arriving in Canada, she had an after- school job at a fast food restaurant. \u00a0She now works and lives in Vancouver and also goes to college for Maths and English.\u00a0 She has aspirations to become a police officer.<\/p>\n

The younger three children are doing well in school and are very athletic. Their confidence has skyrocketed and they are happy and blossoming.\u00a0 They have many friends.\u00a0 They have overcome the challenge of not knowing English and are fluent.\u00a0\u00a0Both Cathy and Martin concur that all of their children now have a greater sense of self-esteem, and have learned to accept and feel proud of their accomplishments within the community.<\/p>\n

When I had the privilege of meeting all of the Ward children: Sergei age 21, Yuliya age 20, Snezhana age 14, Alyona age 13, and Sasha age 10, it became apparent to me that Cathy and Martin have done a stellar job in raising their family, despite the fact that they were novice parents. \u00a0I found them all to be polite, outgoing, confident and talkative children who spoke English amazingly well.\u00a0 Each of them had memories of Ukraine. Together, they weaved for me a tapestry of life at the orphanage, a life that was so different from their lives in Canada.\u00a0 I heard about a \u201cschool with bedrooms\u201d, 24 hours a day friends, never going out alone, hard beds, delicious sweet rice pudding for supper, running track in the orphanage halls, doing lots of chores, playing in the leaves before bagging them, 6 to 8 children per room, polluted air, going to a fun summer camp in Italy almost every year–and pining to be adopted.<\/p>\n

On the day I visited, the older children were home and they were all going out for dinner with their grandfather and Mom; (Martin was working out of town).\u00a0 There was excitement in the air as the clan prepared to go to one of their favourite dining places called \u201cThe Cactus Club\u201d, a trendy Vancouver restaurant. \u00a0Yes, over the past five years, life has dramatically changed for the Ward children and for Cathy and Martin.<\/p>\n

I asked Cathy and Martin to reflect on the events of the past which led them to this current moment.\u00a0 Both expressed gratitude for having such a lovely family, a family larger than their wildest dreams.\u00a0 Martin now helps to arrange hosting opportunities for Canadians who hope to adopt children\u00a0from Ukraine. \u00a0I drew to their attention that if it weren\u2019t for Cathy\u2019s accident and back problems, they wouldn\u2019t have this unique family.\u00a0 I also shared with them my feeling that their family was brought together by divine destiny.\u00a0 Cathy ponders for a moment. \u00a0\u201cI have never really thought of that before, but it is true; sometimes good things come out of bad things.\u201d \u00a0Martin nods. \u00a0\u201cYes, it does feel like it was meant to be.\u201d<\/p>\n

Note from author: \u00a0Adoption is a serious commitment.\u00a0 For Cathy, Martin and family the transition went smoothly.\u00a0 Based on my experience as a social worker, this is not always the case.<\/span><\/p>\n

Diane Schachter Bio:<\/h4>\n

\"\"<\/a>Diane Schachter is a retired social worker and freelance writer who lives in Surrey, British Columbia with her husband Yale and three rescue dogs.<\/p>\n

She has a special interest in pet bereavement and provides counselling through \u201cForever Loved Pet Bereavement\u201d. \u00a0She can be reached at dianeschachter@shaw.ca<\/a><\/p>\n

Back to <\/strong>Stories<\/strong><\/a><\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"

It is a result of coincidence that I am writing this story about a unique family.\u00a0\u00a0 I met Cathy while chatting at a local dog park this past spring.\u00a0 She spontaneously shared that she and her husband Martin had adopted five children from Ukraine.\u00a0 \u201cFive kids, that\u2019s a lot of kids,\u201d I remember saying.\u00a0 But […]<\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":4,"featured_media":0,"comment_status":"open","ping_status":"open","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"footnotes":""},"categories":[98,19,5,41],"tags":[184,124,143,119,142],"class_list":["post-4034","post","type-post","status-publish","format-standard","hentry","category-adoption","category-children","category-parenting","category-siblings","tag-adoption","tag-children","tag-family","tag-parenting","tag-siblings"],"aioseo_notices":[],"views":12974,"_links":{"self":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.thriveinlife.ca\/index.php\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/4034","targetHints":{"allow":["GET"]}}],"collection":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.thriveinlife.ca\/index.php\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts"}],"about":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.thriveinlife.ca\/index.php\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/types\/post"}],"author":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.thriveinlife.ca\/index.php\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/users\/4"}],"replies":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.thriveinlife.ca\/index.php\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/comments?post=4034"}],"version-history":[{"count":0,"href":"https:\/\/www.thriveinlife.ca\/index.php\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/4034\/revisions"}],"wp:attachment":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.thriveinlife.ca\/index.php\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/media?parent=4034"}],"wp:term":[{"taxonomy":"category","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.thriveinlife.ca\/index.php\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/categories?post=4034"},{"taxonomy":"post_tag","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.thriveinlife.ca\/index.php\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/tags?post=4034"}],"curies":[{"name":"wp","href":"https:\/\/api.w.org\/{rel}","templated":true}]}}