{"id":221,"date":"2010-09-09T22:54:18","date_gmt":"2010-09-10T06:54:18","guid":{"rendered":"http:\/\/www.thriveinlife.ca\/?p=221"},"modified":"2011-03-23T21:00:49","modified_gmt":"2011-03-24T04:00:49","slug":"thriving-parent-thriving-child","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/www.thriveinlife.ca\/index.php\/thriving-parent-thriving-child\/","title":{"rendered":"Thriving Parent, Thriving Child"},"content":{"rendered":"

\"\"<\/a>\"\"<\/a><\/p>\n

There is a war raging. It\u2019s fierce, hostile and tragic. It might be going on in your home at this moment.<\/p>\n

It is a battle that has been fought for generations; the battle between <\/span>Generations. Us and Them. Parents and Youth.<\/p>\n

\u201cYou have to start early letting them know who\u2019s boss,\u201d one parent said to me. \u201cOtherwise, they\u2019ll take advantage of you and dominate. That\u2019s the trouble with my wife–she always ends up letting the kids win all the battles. She gives in all the time and the kids know it.\u201d<\/p>\n

Does there have to be winners and losers? Must one generation submit to the other, scared and defeated, to lick the wounds inflicted on its pride and self-esteem?<\/p>\n

Parent Effectiveness Training<\/a>, (P.E.T.), the \u201cno-lose\u201d method of resolving conflicts, shouts \u201cNo!\u201d\u00a0This course, conducted by trained instructors, has proven to thousands of parents in Canada and the United States that there can be peace in our time, starting now<\/span>.<\/p>\n

Parents are learning a single method of resolving conflicts, a method usable with children of all ages as well as adults. For what is taught in P.E.T. is a universal system of effective human relationships. \u201cMost marital relationships end up enhanced as a side-effect,\u201d said Sylvio Orlando who has worked in the field of child welfare since 1970, and was the first instructor to teach P.E.T. in Montreal. \u201cHere, too, are single people who do it for personal growth.\u201d Orlando stressed, though, that this is not therapy but an educational experience. \u201cIt\u2019s not threatening. They expose a little of themselves, as much as they want.\u201d<\/p>\n

For many, the course serves as training before trouble. As one parent told me, \u201cYou\u2019re not just born into parenthood. You can always learn in every field.\u201d<\/p>\n

Dr. Thomas Gordon, a California psychologist who is the developer of this new approach to child-raising and author of Parent Effectiveness Training, P.E.T., Book<\/a><\/strong>\u00a0 says that the \u201cwin-lose\u201d orientation is at the root of the dilemma of today\u2019s parents–whether to be strict (parent wins), the authoritarian method, or to be lenient (child wins), the permissive method. Because of this either or approach to discipline, Gordon believes that parents see their relationships with their children as a power struggle, a contest of wills, a fight to see who wins.<\/p>\n

P.E.T. offers an alternative. Nobody loses; everybody wins. Parent and child are not struggling against each other but rather, working with each other as equal participants<\/span>.\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0<\/p>\n

I accept how you feel:<\/strong><\/p>\n

Your sixteen-year old comes home one day and says she\u2019s fed up with school. She\u2019s going to quit tomorrow. How would you respond?<\/p>\n

If you are the typical, concerned parent this statement would probably have raised your adrenalin level, and created a stream of perspiration on your brow. \u201cYou have to go to school,\u201d \u201cYou\u2019re talking stupidly,\u201d \u201cYou\u2019ll feel different tomorrow,\u201d or \u201cYou should go to school if you want to make something of yourself,\u201d might be one of your slightly shrill answers. If so, you have used one of the twelve kinds of typical responses that hinder communication–for example, ordering, moralizing, suggesting, name-calling, and criticizing. In P.E.T. these are called roadblocks to communication. The parent is reacting to the actual superficial message, instead of decoding the message and getting to the real feeling and need that is at the root of the problem.<\/p>\n

In active listening, parents feedback the feeling they hear coming from the child. If the child is angry, they accept his or her anger. \u201cTo feel accepted is to feel loved,\u201d says Gordon. Feeding back to the sixteen-year old, \u201cYou\u2019re feeling really angry\u201d keeps the communication door wide open. Saying, \u201cIt really hurts you,\u201d to a child who has just burned his finger and cries, is to acknowledge and accept the child\u2019s feelings of pain.<\/p>\n

Gordon says that some parents who take the P.E.T. course find out that they are very uncomfortable with feelings, their own as well as their child. But when parents learn to accept and acknowledge feelings by empathic listening, they reported how even intense negative feeling are dissipated.<\/p>\n

P.E.T parents are taught the skill of effective listening, to help the child define the problem by exploring his feelings and come to his or her own<\/span> solution. \u201cToo many parents,\u201d Orlando told me, \u201cwant to solve the children\u2019s problems themselves.\u201d<\/p>\n

Spouses benefit also, for as one parent said, \u201cWe realize we listen much more to each other. It helped our own relationship.\u201d<\/p>\n

Parents are people:<\/strong><\/p>\n

Okay, you learn how to help your children solve their problems. Now, what about your problems–things your children do that are unacceptable to you?<\/p>\n

Sylvio Orlando used this adult-to-adult example in his P.E.T. classes. \u201cImagine you\u2019re at my house. You have your feet on my white couch. That\u2019s not your problem; you\u2019re comfortable. But I don\u2019t like it. The problem is mine. I go around the room using those twelve roadblocks again,\u201d said Orlando. \u201cHey, get your feet off,\u201d he ordered. The parents reacted to this.<\/p>\n

Orlando: \u201cWould you get your feet off?\u201d<\/p>\n

Parent: \u201cYes.\u201d<\/p>\n

Orlando: \u201cWhat would it do to our relationship?\u201d<\/p>\n

Parent: \u201cIt would affect it negatively.\u201d<\/p>\n

Orlando: \u201cWhat would it do to your self-esteem?\u2019<\/p>\n

Parent: \u201cI would feel like a jerk.\u201d<\/p>\n

As a rule, we treat our friends with more respect. We would probably say something like \u201cI\u2019m worried that if you keep your feet on my couch, I\u2019ll have to pay to have it cleaned.\u201d We would trust our friend to respond appropriately and be considerate enough to respect our feelings. P.E.T. calls this an I-message. I am showing my feelings honestly; I am showing there\u2019s a real effect on me.<\/p>\n

When we say to children, \u201cYou<\/span> stop that,\u201d \u201cWhy don\u2019t you<\/span> be good?\u201d and \u201cYou<\/span> should know better,\u201d we are using you-messages. These messages put down the child with blame and shame. Shouldn\u2019t we show the same respect and trust in our child that we give to friends and strangers?<\/p>\n

Parents who use I-messages such \u201cI sure get discouraged when I see my clean kitchen dirty again\u201d or \u201cI don\u2019t feel like playing when I\u2019m tired,\u201d are conveying to their child that \u201cI am a person with needs and feelings,\u201d I am capable<\/span> of being hurt or embarrassed or frightened or disappointed. Often their children express surprise. \u201cI didn\u2019t know it really upset you. Why didn\u2019t you tell me how you felt before?\u201d These parents are helping their children grow by showing their trust in them and giving them the responsibility for their own behavior.<\/p>\n

Gordon reminds us that parents are persons, not gods. \u201cThey (parents) begin to assume a role or act a part and forget that they are people.\u201d He adds, \u201cParents find it difficult to be transparently real with children because they like to be seen as infallible–without weaknesses, vulnerabilities, inadequacies.\u201d<\/p>\n

P.E.T. teaches parents that they\u2019re people, too. They\u2019re allowed to have feelings and needs. \u201cYou can\u2019t always respond the same way. You can\u2019t always be consistent,\u201d said one P.E.T. graduate. Another said, \u201cYou become much more accepting of other people, more accepting of yourself.\u201d<\/p>\n

No-Power, No-Lose:<\/strong><\/p>\n

Children gaze upon their creators with reverence. They are Protector, Judge and Teacher. In their hands, they hold the power to satisfy all their child\u2019s needs; the power to giveth or taketh away, or, as we know it, Rewards<\/span> and Punishment<\/span>.<\/p>\n

Gordon believes that adolescents do not rebel against their parents. They rebel against their power<\/span>. He is convinced that if parents would rely less on power and more on non-power methods to influence their children from infancy on, there would be little for the child to rebel against when he or she becomes an adolescent.<\/p>\n

This brings us to the core of the P.E.T. course, the no-power, no-lose method of resolving conflicts where both parent and child are involved in the problem and the needs of both are at stake. This method is actually a problem-solving process, a method used frequently to resolve conflicts between individuals who possess equal power<\/span>. Parent and child use active listening and I-messages to define the conflict and then work together, thinking up as many solutions as they can, until finally deciding upon a solution that satisfies the needs of each person involved. They agree to give it a try for a limited period, and then reassess whether the solution is working as well as planned.<\/p>\n

In this no-lose method, each individual comes to the bargaining table as a separate and unique participant. Gordon says that parents should not expect to have \u201ca united front.\u201d Each parent must be real–each must represent accurately his or her own feelings and needs. Power does not count here; only openness, mutual trust and respect that allows the child to grow independent, developing self-discipline and self-responsibility: a trust, respect and openness that builds loving, caring, genuine<\/span> relationships.<\/p>\n

Children are people:<\/strong><\/p>\n

Can every conflict within a family be resolved in this friendly, democratic way? Sorry, folks! But I doubt if Mark is willing to put his spiked, streaked platinum blond locks on the bargaining table. There are certain inevitable conflicts-of-value that parents should not expect to be resolved. Mark says, \u201cI have a right to wear my<\/span> hair the way I want it.\u201d His decoded message reads, \u201cI feel I have a right to my value as long as I cannot see how it affects you in any tangible or concrete way.\u201d Gordon explains that hairstyle \u201cis an expression of the youngster doing his own thing, living his own life, acting out his own values and beliefs.\u201d<\/p>\n

Most relationships are destroyed over values. Youth \u201cfire\u201d their parents. According to one nationwide study that the Canadian Council on Social Development made of 119 runaways, most often these children said they left home because of serious differences with their parents over social values.<\/p>\n

Parents, as creators of the small, primitive human being, set themselves out to mould their rough but valuable diamond into a glittering image of themselves. But to maintain the powerful yet fragile bond that links the hearts and souls of parents and children, parents will have to give up some age old ideas about the role of the parent in our society. Do you really \u201cown\u201d your child? Humanistic psychologists are showing evidence that in healthy human relationships each person can permit the other to be \u201cseparate\u201d from him or her. Yet parents see their children as \u201cextension of themselves.\u201d To quote the Prophet:<\/p>\n

\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0 Your children are not your children.<\/p>\n

\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0 They are the sons and daughters of Life\u2019s longing for itself,<\/p>\n

\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0 They come through you but not from you, yet they belong not to you.<\/p>\n

\u00a0 \u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0You may give them your love but not your thoughts,<\/p>\n

\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0 For they have their own thoughts\u2026<\/p>\n

\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0 You may strive to be like them, but seek not to make them like you<\/p>\n

\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0 For life goes not backward nor tarries with Yesterday.\u201d<\/p>\n

Conclusion:<\/strong><\/p>\n

The enemies face each other. By communicating and accepting true feelings and needs, we strip away the finely spun web of misunderstandings and resentments that suffocate love and trust and divide us. With honesty and openness we touch each other and reveal our human-ness. We are people. We are on the same side. We\u2019re both winners.<\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"

There is a war raging. It\u2019s fierce, hostile and tragic. It might be going on in your home at this moment. It is a battle that has been fought for generations; the battle between Generations. Us and Them. Parents and Youth. \u201cYou have to start early letting them know who\u2019s boss,\u201d one parent said to […]<\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":6,"featured_media":0,"comment_status":"open","ping_status":"open","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"footnotes":""},"categories":[31,5,7],"tags":[124,119,120],"class_list":["post-221","post","type-post","status-publish","format-standard","hentry","category-empowerment","category-parenting","category-relationships","tag-children","tag-parenting","tag-relationships"],"aioseo_notices":[],"views":13022,"_links":{"self":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.thriveinlife.ca\/index.php\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/221","targetHints":{"allow":["GET"]}}],"collection":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.thriveinlife.ca\/index.php\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts"}],"about":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.thriveinlife.ca\/index.php\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/types\/post"}],"author":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.thriveinlife.ca\/index.php\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/users\/6"}],"replies":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.thriveinlife.ca\/index.php\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/comments?post=221"}],"version-history":[{"count":0,"href":"https:\/\/www.thriveinlife.ca\/index.php\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/221\/revisions"}],"wp:attachment":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.thriveinlife.ca\/index.php\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/media?parent=221"}],"wp:term":[{"taxonomy":"category","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.thriveinlife.ca\/index.php\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/categories?post=221"},{"taxonomy":"post_tag","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.thriveinlife.ca\/index.php\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/tags?post=221"}],"curies":[{"name":"wp","href":"https:\/\/api.w.org\/{rel}","templated":true}]}}